CNBNEWS.NET/Gloucester City

Home Country: Getting Lost in the Woods

  image courtesy of IMGFlip

Where are you? I near that big tree with the leaves!

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

  

  I was recently invited to join Bob Milford, manager of the prestigious Diamond W Ranch, on a drive-around tour of the place. It’s a huge, private ranch, with tiny ex- logging roads winding around through 13,000 acres of pine trees and rocks. A real paradise.

  But I was horrified to see wooden street signs nailed to trees wherever two of these old logging trails came together.

  “Oh no,” I said, out loud.

  “What’s the matter?” Bob asked.

  “I see you’re planning a subdivision here.”

Home Country: Dud and the Raccoon Fable

image courtesy of Adobe 
 

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   The latest topic du jour at the world dilemma think tank is Dud Campbell’s trapline. It should be noted that no animals were harmed in the production. In fact, the “victims” of Dud’s trapline probably gained a pound or two during the ordeal.

  It all began not long ago now when Mrs. Miller complained about having a raccoon come around at night and eating the cat food she’d left on the back porch for Sissy. After about five cups of coffee down at the Mule Barn, the elders there, aka the Supreme Court of Dang Near Everything, decided the ‘coon had to go, but nobody wanted to kill the thing just for wanting to eat cat food. So Dud said he’d take care of it.

Home Country:Halloween and Fall Perfect Together

image courtesy of Pinterest

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   I think there must be autumnal reasons for Halloween being hued in orange and black. It’s a fun time, a magic evening if you’re a kid, and if you’re a grandpa-type guy, like me, who gets to hand out the goodies.

  But the colors of this sweet evening celebration are orange and black, and so is October. In another week or so, our deciduous trees will stand like skeletons against the gray skies of winter, but now we have the orange and black of fall.

HOME COUNTRY: Chipper would approve, I’m sure

CNBNews graphics file

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

       It’s fall, and time once again for the Chipper Invitational Golf Tournament here in the valley. You remember Chipper, Doc’s imaginary squirrel? The one who was squirrel-napped?

  Doc named the annual golf tournament to raise money for coats for kids who need them after good ‘ol Chipper, since the golf tournament itself was just about as genuine as the squirrel.

Home Country: 'Seniors' Dancing The Night Away

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

     CNBNews graphics file

 

Mrs. Doc watched the dancers swirl around the cleared hardwood floor of the Legion hall, and smiled to see her husband, Doc, waltzing with Ardis Fisher. But Mrs. Doc was never one to sit out a waltz, so she looked around at the menu.

  Over in the corner, smiling and tapping his foot, was Pop Walker. Pop and several other residents of the Rest of Your Life retirement home were there to enjoy the dance and celebrate the end of summer.  Pop has a hard time with his memory, these days, but always forgets things with a smile.

  “Pop,” said Mrs. Doc, “how about a dance?”

HOME COUNTRY: Cowpuncher Three-Chord Cortez, that Bunkhouse Balladeer, Plans to Study Opera

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

  Our resident cowboy, Steve, brought us the shocking news: cowpuncher Three-Chord Cortez, that bunkhouse balladeer, plans to study opera, in hopes an aria or three will make him even more attractive to girls during a serenade. Apparently, singing La Donna Mobile might be more effective than “You don’t know what lonesome is ‘til you start herding co-o-o-ows” … especially if she doesn’t speak European.

HOME COUNTRY: Old Jasper Blankenship Annual Deer Hunting Dilemma

CNBNews graphics file

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

  

    Old Jasper Blankenship bought a deer license again this year, just as he’s done every year since Eisenhower was President. He sticks nickels and dimes in a jar all year long and smiles each time he contributes. By Fall, he’s saved up enough for a deer tag.

   Jasper lives full-time out at the diggin’s with his dog, Arthur, of course, so he has only to walk about 100 feet from the cabin to do his hunting. That’s one of the marvels of it.

HOME COUNTRY: Fall What A Great Season!

Fall scene courtesy of Pinterest

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

“Don’t you just love this time of year?” said Doc. “Football season. Rodeo finals coming up soon. Time to go hunting. All that stuff.”

  Windy Wilson sipped at his coffee. Oh good. Doc gave us another topic.

  “Sports,” Windy said. “thems my putner fav-o-rite things … well, ‘long with dogs … and country musicals and that kinder thing.”

  The guys at the philosophy counter of the Mule Barn truck stop grinned at Windy, who has yet to encounter a sentence or thought he couldn’t improve.

HOME COUNTRY: Hanging Out at the Stockyard Auction

Erica and friend hanging around the livestock auction (CNBNews file photo)

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

  One of the great pleasures of hanging around down at the livestock auction barn each Saturday morning is being able to take your dog along.

Why do we go to the sales barn? We love agriculture, and it's part of living here to see who buys what and rejoice in their good fortune, even if our own grass is stressed to the limit by whatever varmint we're currently feeding. Or, it could be that we figure we've already lived too long, and if the right horse or cow comes through there, and we buy it, our wives will see to it that we don't suffer in agony for untold years.

This weekly auction is a treasure house for our dogs. It's a dog's day out, a chance to scrounge under the bleachers for dropped hot dog portions and the occasional sweet bun crust. It's

Home Country: Jasper Spends the Day Splitting Wood

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

You have to look for the schism, Jasper said to himself out at the woodpile. He put another chunk of firewood up on the splitting block and took a look at the checking cracks that ran part way through the circles of age rings.

Home Country: How Hot Was It?

image source courtesy of  http://www.clipartpanda.com

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet  

The other night it was hot. Hot during the day, hot at night. Heat seems to define summer for us, in many ways.

  But in spite of that, after a day in the outdoors, we built a fire. A small fire. A "hat" fire, which mountain people define as one you can put in your hat. Why so small? Because it was hot and we didn't need the heat. Why the fire? Because we need the fire.

  It is the hearth. It is the touchstone to our past. It is a link with countless generations of ancestors who have sat here looking at the flames licking up on the chunks of firewood and taking us back endless years, countless years, to what was then. Through the flames and later the glow of the coals, we can see things that we can't see at any other time. We can hear music in the crackling. We can be comforted by the fire, which is our best friend as well as a potential destroyer, at the same time.

Home Country: Doc and The Big Lunker

image courtesy of Pinterest

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

    Doc didn’t expect any patients before 10 o’clock this morning, so he was up and coffee’d and gone by 6:30. Lewis Creek. The Lunker’s hole on Lewis Creek.

   The Lunker is a huge rainbow trout that everyone knows about and no one has caught. So far he has resisted flies, worms, salmon eggs, spinners, and even an imitation mouse that Dud tossed in there one time just to see if the Lunker had a bass’s appetite.

HOME COUNTRY: Watching Jim Kennedy Use His Big Backhoe

image courtesy of https://www.123rf.com

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

  When Jim Kennedy uses his big backhoe, a crowd usually gathers. He's an artist, you see.

Slim Randles

  At Bud McFarland's place the other day, he was there to install Bud's new septic tank. This was to be a massive septic tank.  Now and then Jim would just do something to show off his skill. At one point, when Jim's backhoe cut through a buried tree root, there was about a foot-long section of root lying alone at the bottom of the hole.

HOME COUNTRY: THINK IT WILL RAIN?

Slim Randles | CNBNEWSNET

 

   It began as a whispered threat, this latest storm of ours. There was something in the air, a cleansing tonic, a murmur of sharpness.

Home Country: Did Someone Steal the Preacher's Bike?

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   Dud was out rambling around the other day, and was surprised to find the new preacher sitting beside an irrigation ditch. Dud plopped down and asked him what was wrong.

  “I’ve only been here two weeks,” he said, “and someone’s stolen my bicycle. I really liked that bike.”

HOME COUNTRY: The Preacher and the 10 Commandments

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   Dud was out rambling around the other day, and was surprised to find the new preacher sitting beside an irrigation ditch. Dud plopped down and asked him what was wrong.

  “I’ve only been here two weeks,” he said, “and someone’s stolen my bicycle. I really liked that bike.”

HOME COUNTRY: Ol' Bert, Maizie and Yard Sales

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

    The hassled, red-faced man cruising the neighborhood Saturday morning in the pickup truck is good ol’ Bert, of course. It’s a warm Saturday, which means only one thing in our part of the country – yard sales. That’s why the charming lady riding next to him, his wife, Maizie, was wearing a big grin.

Home Country: Windy's Visit to Death Valley

Death Valley...image courtesy of MapQuest

 Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   “Hot? Did you say hot?”

  “Sure did, Windy, have a seat and join us,” said Doc. We were huddled up in the coolth of the air conditioner blast in that certain part of the dining room at the Mule Barn truck stop. Yes. It was hot.

  “Ain’t like Death Valley, howsomever,” Windy said. “Now boys, that there’s HOT!”

HOME COUNTRY: Our Town's 4th of July Parade

CNBNews graphics file

 

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

  We all watched as the flag came by. It was the first thing in the parade, of course. Great big one, carried by two of the kids from the ROTC at the high school. The bands followed, along with the mounted patrol, the ski patrol in their summer-weight jackets, the float with the princesses on it, and the local kids leading dogs and cats – some rather reluctantly – on leashes.

HOME COUNTRY: “Here’s to coffee! The choice of sheepherders everywhere!”

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

  

  “Ahhh! Coffee!” said our resident cowboy, Steve, raising his cup at the philosophy counter. “Let’s raise our cups to whichever Brazilian came up with this stuff.”

HOME COUNTRY: Watching the Sunset and Hugging a Cactus

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

Our day is filled with heat at this time of year. It commands our attention and makes our work harder. As we toil, we daydream not about love or success, but things as mundane as shade and a cool drink.

HOME COUNTRY: Billy, The Perennial Crossing Guard

(CNBNewsnet)(June 13, 2018)--  The first few days of summer vacation were hard on Billy. He was there, at his appointed post – that being the school crossing – at the right time of morning, but look as he may, he couldn’t find any kids.

  He couldn’t find Martin, either. The perennial crossing guard, with his vest, sign and whistle, was home for the summer. So were the kids. School was out.

HOME COUNTRY: Mrs. Forrest, A Longtime Compulsive Feeder

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

Mrs. Forrest has always been a compulsive feeder. Before she retired, she was cooking for the Mule Barn truck stop’s customers, and is singularly responsible for about three flabby tons of avoirdupois on this nation’s truck drivers, and may have been marginally responsible, third-hand, for a cardiac event or two.

Home Country: The Mule Barn Gang Comes To The Rescue

Slim Randles 

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

    It was like buzzards circling the body.

  The Jones kid, Randy, was out in the Mule Barn parking lot with the hood up on his car. He was staring down into it the way a first-time parachutist would look out the airplane door. You never quite knew for sure what lay ahead.

  “Looks like Randy’s got problems,” said Steve.

  “Let’s have a look,” said Dud.

  So coffee was left to get cold and the entire Supreme Court of All Things Mechanical – Steve, Dud, Doc, Herb and Dewey – trooped out to see what was going on.

HOME COUNTRY: Marvin Pincus and The Fenwick Glass Fly Rod

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was just one of those things. It didn’t really mean Marvin Pincus had lost his mind. Consider this yourself for a minute. Marvin had opened the mail that morning and in it was the Fenwick glass fly rod he’d ordered. Oh, it was used, of course. But there’s a feel to a Fenwick that only a man dedicated to a life of using dry flies can appreciate.

Home Country: Dewey and Emily Are In Love

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   When Dewey and Emily walked into the Mule Barn the other day, they were greeted with applause and whistles. Emily blushed and Dewey took a bow, almost hitting the coffee pot Loretta was carrying.

  “I hear you too really fell for each other,” Doc said. “And the way I hear it, many times.”

  “That’s right, Doc, I finally cornered him and we’re planning a wedding,” Emily said.

  Emily is a brave soul, taking for a husband the most accident prone human being since Wrong Way Corrigan.

HOME COUNTRY: DOC IS A GENIUS

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   Our pal Doc is a genius.

   Just take the other day, and all of us were gathered up and coffee’d at the Mule Barn truck stop coffee shop and world dilemma think tank, and ol’ Doc just proved it again.

HOME COUNTRY: “Lived on through another May Day!”

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   “Lived on through another May Day!”

  The guys at the philosophy counter turned to see who it was. Windy Wilson, of course. He meandered into their midst and sat and flipped over a cup to the upright and fillable position.

  “We sure did, Windy,” said Doc, smiling, “but I hadn’t thought we were in much danger.”

Home Country: The Mourning Dove with the Speech Impediment

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

    Doc smiled and felt really good inside when he heard the familiar birdsong.

  “Hey there, Wheezer,” he said, “happy spring!”

  For some reason, this mourning dove with the speech impediment comes around to Doc’s backyard every spring, and Doc thinks that’s just all right. If ol’ Wheez didn’t have that distinctive voice, Doc would never know if this bird favored his yard or was just another bird looking for a home. Let’s face it, Wheezer looks just like every other dove in town.

Home Country: Billy, The Official Town Dog

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

Billy’s been a busy guy ever since he became the official town dog here. Sally had been the town dog until she passed away on Doc’s porch, and then Billy’s owner died just two weeks after that, so it was something of a natural progression. Sometimes offices are filled without an election.

The high school wood shop boys built Billy a dog house next to the school crossing, but Billy preferred Aunt Ada’s couch in the cold months and a nice dog depression under an oak tree when it’s warm.

Home Country: Celebrating Spring

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

  Down at the sale barn Saturday, the think tank had coagulated there with coffees to go to celebrate spring. Doc and Dud had their dogs with them, while Bert and Dewey and Steve went stag.

HOME COUNTRY: WHEN THE WORLD IS STILL DARK

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

There’s something so satisfying about getting out of bed when the world is still dark and quiet and resting. Making the coffee gives us time to scratch and think. Well, scratch, anyway. Most of that thinking will start after about the third cup of coffee.

 

Slim Randles Home Country: Delbert McLain, our very own Chamber of Commerce

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   Hear ye! Hear ye! Cometh to the think tank this morning Delbert McLain, our very own Chamber of Commerce. A broad smile beameth.

  You know, we’re really proud of Del. Of course, what he’d like to do is make this valley so rich and crowded that none of us would want to live here anymore, but at least he works really hard at it. We admire hard work.

Slim Randles Home Country: So Cold Outside

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

  It was the cold outside that bound us together better inside the Mule Barn truck stop. The coffee warmed our innards and the laughter at the philosophy counter heated our souls to very comfortable.

   It was Doc who noticed it first. He’s trained to be observant, of course.

Slim Randles Home Country: Playing a Joke on Doc!

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   Doc was just getting up to leave the philosophy counter as Herb walked in. Herb was grinning and flexing muscles and had the look of eagles in his eyes. We stared.

  “Herb,” said Doc. “You know, you can overdo a good thing.”

  “Why Doc … whatever do you mean?”

Slim Randles' Home Country: What's Wrong, Windy?

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

  Windy Wilson came in to the philosophy counter just about the time we’d finished the hash browns with chile on the side. Red, of course. Windy looked terrible.

  “What’s wrong, Windy?”

  “These here folks today …” he said. And we gulped a bit when we hear a sentence begun that way. “Folks today…” he sounded resigned, “they don’t ever try to unnerstand folks who ain’t perzackly like them. And people who have a leetle handiclap? Fergit it!”

  Yep. Windy talks like that.

CNBNews Feb. Stats: Daily Avg. 4,470 Visitors

 

Related: CNBNews Tips and Snippets       

Related: CNBNews Point of View

Editor's Note -The CNBNews daily average page views for February 2018, totaled 4,470 a day. 

We would like to thank our readers, columnists, and reporters for their help throughout the month; Jacek Adamski, Raymond Rolak, Nicole Pensiero, Dawn Watson, Austin Darrow, Bruce Darrow, Slim Randles, Bill Donohue, and artist Dave Wolfe.

 

Hi Bill Cleary,

Monthly Stats Report: 1 Feb - 28 Feb 2018
Project: Cnbnews.net
URL: http://cnbnews.net

Summary

	Page Loads	Unique Visits	First Time Visits	Returning Visits
Total	125,148	72,970	62,238	10,732
Average	4,470	2,606	2,223	383

Related: CNBNews Tips and Snippets       

Related: CNBNews Point of View

Editor's Note -The CNBNews daily average page views for February 2018, totaled 4,470 a day. 

We would like to thank our readers, columnists, and reporters for their help throughout the month; Jacek Adamski, Raymond Rolak, Nicole Pensiero, Dawn Watson, Austin Darrow, Bruce Darrow, Slim Randles, Bill Donohue, and artist Dave Wolfe.

Related: CNBNews Tips and Snippets       

Related: CNBNews Point of View

Editor's Note -The CNBNews daily average page views for February 2018, totaled 4,470 a day. 

We would like to thank our readers, columnists, and reporters for their help throughout the month; Jacek Adamski, Raymond Rolak, Nicole Pensiero, Dawn Watson, Austin Darrow, Bruce Darrow, Slim Randles, Bill Donohue, and artist Dave Wolfe.

Slim Randles Home Country: Did You Ever Burn The Toast?

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

  The guys were outside at the sale barn, sipping coffee in Styrofoam cups and waiting for someone to say something. Inside, the pitch of the auctioneer was heralding the glories of an old spavined milk cow, and fevered cattlemen were waving cards with numbers on them.

  It was quieter outside.

  Finally, it was Herb who spoke. “You guys ever burn the toast and then scrape it?”

Slim Randles Home Country: At Long Last, Dewey and Emily will Marry

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   Dewey picked up Emily’s yellow dress at the cleaners and drove it back to her here in the valley. They had managed to get most of the wine stains out. But what Dewey hadn’t managed to get out that fateful evening at the Italian restaurant was his vow of eternal love for Emily and a suggestion that they become mister and missus Decker.

  Oh well, he might give it another try tonight. But this darn clumsiness of his always seemed to get in the way.

SLIM RANDLES Home Country: The Nobelly Prize for Lit-a-chur

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

  It all began when Windy Wilson told the assembled philosophers at the Mule Barn truck stop that he was going to start writing songs so he could win what he called the Nobelly Prize for Lit-a-chur. He said Bob Dylan won it and got money and all kinds of stuff and his name was in the paper, and Windy figured he could do the same thing, only in country music.

   Steve had been listening to this for some minutes and finally said, “Windy, tell you what. You write a song, and I’ll sing it.”

  “You can sing?” Windy said.

Slim Randles Home Country: Dewey Ask Emily to Marry Him....But!

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

 

   Dewey reached up to straighten his tie and stuck a finger up a nostril by mistake. Here he was, on the most momentous evening of his life and he couldn’t do one little thing right. Tie a tie. Every 9-year-old boy getting ready for church could do it, but not Dewey.

Slim Randles Home Country: New Year's Resolutions

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

There’s nothing like New Year’s Resolution to make a guy feel completely inadequate, thought Doc as he sat and sipped coffee at the philosophy counter
of the Mule Barn truck stop’s coffee shop. In other words, thinking central.

He happened to mention this to Steve, sitting on his left. Steve shoved his hat back and looked at his dear friend.

Home Country: The Winter Doldrums...Maybe

SLIM RANDLES | CNBNewsnet

 

It might have been the winter doldrums that did it. You can never be sure of these things. It’s just that … well, Doc is one of those guys who can’t stand to see anyone bored. He claims it’s bad for their inner chemistry, and since he has more initials after his name than anyone else in town, we tend to listen to him.

Home Country: Doc and Old Tom Friends to the End

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

It was strange, Doc thought. All these years. All these people. It still hurts.

Old Tom had died around midnight, and Doc didn’t get more than an hour’s sleep since then. Just before he went, Tom reached out and gripped Doc’s hand and thanked him for everything. He was smiling when he went.

 

Home Country: New Years Resolutions

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

There’s nothing like New Year’s Resolution to make a guy feel completely inadequate, thought Doc as he sat and sipped coffee at the philosophy counter
of the Mule Barn truck stop’s coffee shop. In other words, thinking central.

He happened to mention this to Steve, sitting on his left. Steve shoved his hat back and looked at his dear friend.

Slim Randles Home Country: Who Likes Cold Wintry Weather?

 

photo courtesy of https://www.pbs.org

  

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

“I can’t stand winter,” said Herb Collins, who had dropped in at the Mule Barn’s philosophy counter for a quick cup. “There’s nothing to do.”
“Get out and enjoy it,” suggested Doc. “Go skiing. Go ice fishing. Build a snowman. Do something. Then you’ll feel better.”
“I don’t think your advice will take,” said Dud. “Herb seems to be intransigent on this one.”
We all looked at Dud.

HOME COUNTRY: Daddy Herb and Daughter Cindy's Annual Christmas Eve Tradition

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

ClearysNoteBook image files

 

 

For years now, Herb Collins has been helping Santa by donning the red and the beard and the tassels and waving to passing cars on Christmas Eve out at the Old Fort Road crossing. He takes a bag of candy along, in case anyone cares to stop, and he also takes his daughter Cindy along, because she’s always been his head elf.

Cindy’s grown now and has helpers of her own, but this has been a daddy/daughter event for a long time and neither sees any reason to quit.

Slim Randles Home Country: December Dreams

 

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

There is a nighttime sweetness and hope that hovers over us this time of year here at home. This is a time for summing up and looking ahead … and a time for dreams.

And at night… ah, that’s the time, isn’t it? Outside it’s dark, December dark, and we’re inside and warm and cocooned up. The cold makes our world shrink, especially at night.

But we have our dreams.

 

 

 

Home Country: THE MIRACLE

Slim Randles | CNBNEWSNET

 

It began the way most miracles do: by accident or the hand of God, take your pick.
It might have been the weather, at least partly. For December, the day had been almost balmy and warm. You know, sweaters instead of heavy coats. No mittens in sight.

Then there were Christmas lights on the stores, and that little bunch of Girl Scouts out raising money in front of the Read Me Now bookstore. Jasper Blankenship was inside going through the books to fortify his cabin’s library for winter and sat, listening with a smile to the girls as they laughed and waited for customers that weren’t really coming along too briskly.

Slim Randles Home Country: Here's To Coffee

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet

Slim Randles

 

 

“Ahhh! Coffee!” said our resident cowboy, Steve, raising his cup at the philosophy counter. “Let’s raise our cups to whichever Brazilian came up with this stuff.”

Very slowly, Herb Collins stood with his cup of coffee there in the midst of culture and education at the Mule Barn truck stop.

“Actually, Steve,” Herb said, in his most professorial tone, “his name was Kaldi. He lived in Ethiopia.”
And here Herb grinned fiendlishly at Steve. “And he was a sheepherder!”