682 posts categorized "Chuckles!" Feed

White House Reporter Ronald Crump, "Mr. Biden, Why are you a total loser?"

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At Biden's first press conference Thursday, March 25, 2021, most of the questions were thoughtful and pointed, with reporters asking things like "Why are you so amazing?" and "We demand you tell us your secret to being so incredible!" But one reporter went further than the others. The reporter, a new CNN recruit, Ronald Crump, jumped up and asked, "Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?" Ronald Crump, new White House Press reporter (image courtesy of the Babylon Bee "Hey, come on, Jack!" Biden replied. "That's just uncalled for." READ BABYLON BEE ARTICLE Read more →


Home Country: Dad-gum ol’ Doc

Slim Randles | CNBNews Contributor Nature hates a vacuum, and so does Windy Wilson. The other day, emerging from the drug store, he looked around, and, finding no handy audience, spoke instead to the world. “Dad-gum ol’ Doc, anyway,” he said. “He’s one-a my bestest pals, but if you go to him for a mizz-ry, he makes you do some things and quit doin’ some other things. Them things Doc wants you to do you don’t wanna do, and the things he wants you to quit doin’ are stuff you bin savin’ up to do a buncha years now. “Now ol’ Doc didn’t even know he done it, but he proved to me that we had some a-them space alienated bein’s for ancestors. Oh, they’s... Read more →


HOME COUNTRY: Eavesdropping at the Mule Barn Coffee Shop

CNBNews Contributor If you didn’t know what time of the year it was, or what the weather was like, you could tell simply by eavesdropping at the philosophy counter of the Mule Barn coffee shop. Let’s give it a try. “Good to see you here, Doc,” said Herb Collins. “That warm water on the battery trick work for you?” “Thanks, Herb. Yep. I tried it this morning. What’s that you got there?” “Travel thingie. You know it’s more than 80 degrees in Guatemala … right now?” “Saw a deal on TV,” Dud said. “They’re water skiing in Florida. You can go fishing down there all year round.” “You going to Guatemala, Herb?” said Doc. “Maybe. Been thinking about it. I don’t know much Spanish, though.”... Read more →


Home Country: The Fly Tying Love Center

One of the problems Marvin Pincus discovered about running the Fly Tying Love Center here in the valley is that there appeared to be more fly tying than love counseling going on. This particular morning he was whipping up a nice fluffy Adams dry on a number 12 and wishing everyone’s love problems were as easy to solve as tying one of these. He takes silent pride in being a pioneer in this field of combining fly tying and romance solutions, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t quietly hope for his neighbors to have more love problems. His advice had worked well with Dewey (a lead-wire-wrapped wooly bugger leading to the suggestion he showers before he asks a girl out on a date), and with... Read more →


Home Country: You Are Going To Miss The Pandemic !!!

Slim Randles | CNBNews Contributor “You know,” said Herb, “when this danged virus thingie is over and we all have our shots and are guaranteed to live longer than anyone else wants us to, there is only one thing I’ll miss.” Doc, our morning coffee medical expert, put down his cup and looked at Herb, who was not our medical expert but a retired pawn shop owner. “You mean you’re going to miss this pandemic, Herb? It’s terrible. What on earth will you miss about it?” Herb glanced around the philosophy counter here at the Mule Barn truck stop and smiled. “I will slightly miss its contributions to our more colorful swearing.” “Oh … “ said the cowboy, Steve. “because we cussed it so much?”... Read more →


Home Country: Bachelor Windy Wilson and Widow Mamie Dilworth

by Slim Randles | CNBNews Contributor “Windy, my man,” said Doc, “how are you and the widow getting along?” “She’s been sorta creepitatin’ up on my blind side, Doc,” Windy said. “Which side is that, Windy?” “Very humoristic, Dud. Ha. Ha.” We had all been watching, as closely as we could, the relationship between Windy Wilson, bachelor, camp cook, cowboy, and teller of tales … and Mamie Dilworth, aging hippie chick, starer at crystals, vegetarian, widow. We all knew, those of us who lived vicariously alongside the perimeter of their friendship, that if it could’ve been filmed, it’d be on television longer than The Flying Nun. “Doc,” said Windy, “ol’ Mame the Dame is a awful nice lady, sure ‘nuf. I have considerationed maybe takin’... Read more →


HOME COUNTRY: New Year Resolutions

Slim Randles | CNBNews Contributor “Boys,” said our tall cowboy, Steve, “I’ve got a real problem coming up and I’m not sure how to cope with it.” The rest of us in the world dilemma think tank, meeting here each morning as long as the Farmers Brothers coffee doesn’t run out, turned toward our friend. We’re nothing if not a helpful bunch. We put our cups down … even Dud, who was still on his first cup. Doc said, “Maybe we can help a bit, Steve. Tell us about it.” “Well, Doc, it’s these dang New Years Resolutions. Time’s almost here, and I don’t even have one … not even one.” “Why not?” asked Dud. Steve grinned, picked up his coffee mug and raised it... Read more →


Home Country: Something About A Winter Moonlight Walk

Slim Randles | CNBNews Contributor CNBNews photo There’s something about a winter moonlight walk, Doc thought, as he smiled his way through his neighborhood. He looked at the light coming from the windows of each house. Each house warming its family. It would be about supper time now. Maybe I can sniff just right and see if I can guess what is cooking. But that could be construed as detective work, and this is definitely not the time for work. Oh no. Not when you can look through the lacy, filigree patterns of dormant twigs high in the trees and see them play sacred music with that moon in the background. No technology can touch the lighting of the world when it’s dark. Not the... Read more →


Home Country: Ol' Dud and Romantic Flops

Slim Randles | CNBNews Contributor When it comes to romantic flops, it’s hard to beat ol’ Dud. He and Anita have been married for about five years now, but sometimes we question why she puts up with him. He has all the courtship skills of a flea collar. “Dud Campbell,” Anita said the other night, “what are you getting me for Christmas?” “Now Honey, it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, would it?” “That means you haven’t bought it yet, doesn’t it?” “Well, I won’t say I have and I won’t say I haven’t, but, uh, don’t get in that cupboard out in the garage now…” “I won’t, Dud,” she said, purring. Ten minutes later, Dud was flipping his coffee cup upright and... Read more →


HOME COUNTRY: Just how stupid do they think we are, anyhow?

Slim Randles | CNBNews Contributor Saw this ad t’other day in my outdoors magazine, Campin’ ‘n Fishin’. Oh, hi there, Alphonse Wilson doin’ the talkin’ don’t you see. Call me Windy. Sneaked in here again when Slim weren’t lookin.’ But I gotta tell ya not to believe ever dang thing you read. Yessir, they had this little-bitty sleeping bag made out of space materials, I guess so you can stay warm on Mars or somethin’ and it weighed just about nothin’ and a half. Just how stupid do they think we are, anyhow? I mean, you gotta surround yourself with good stuff to sleep right or you’re just flippity squidglin’ around all night. Like a inch bug or somethin’ … well, somethin’ that’s cold and... Read more →


Home Country: The Autumnal Reasons for Halloween

Slim Randles | CNBNews Contributor I think there must be autumnal reasons for Halloween being hued in orange and black. It’s a fun time, a magic evening if you’re a kid, and if you’re a grandpa-type guy, like me, who gets to hand out the goodies. But the colors of this sweet evening celebration are orange and black, and so is October. In another week or so, our deciduous trees will stand like skeletons against the gray skies of winter, but now we have the orange and black of fall. It happens right about sunset each day. The sky turns that eternal burnt-umber orange and the remaining leaves and the baring branches of our trees fill the evening with a holy filigree of contrast. Oh,... Read more →


HOME COUNTRY:

Jasper Blankenship Comes to Town

CNBNews Contributor (Gloucestercitynews.net)(October 21, 2020)-- It’s a rare treat to have old Jasper Blankenship come down from the diggin’s to stock up on supplies. And he favored us with stories at the Mule Barn this bright morning over coffee, too. “Well, Doc,” Jasper said, “you’re right. I wasn’t always a miner. Back during The War I had a job in the city at one of the big war plants, you know. I was a security guard and watched the gate. In those days, there was this one carpenter who just gave me the fits. He’d come out the gate at the end of the day with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust. I always stopped him and poked around in the sawdust and never found anything,... Read more →


When Do You Know The Senior Years Are Here?

By: Joe Ball, CNBNews Contributor As a person gets older, and doesn’t recognize that youth is a memory, into their life comes hints of aging. Here are a few being experienced by this writer. At the office: …I’m making more outgoing sales calls, then there are incoming calls with orders. …Former personnel, passing through Phila., or surfing the internet, call to see if I’m still alive. …Attending business functions, so many of the people I know are not there. They’re retired- -or dead. …My staff members, in their twenties, have no idea who Jerry Blavat, Larry Kane, Chuck Bednarick, John B. Kelly, Jr. are. (“Kel”, long decreased, was a partner of mine in one of my corporations in the mid 1960’s.) Other Hints …When organizations... Read more →


A Halloween Adventure: Part III of IV

Dawn O Watson/CNBNews Contributor Part III The door slammed behind the boys and they hugged one another, terrified as their eyes adjusted to the darkened room. CNBNews files “Would you like some cookies?” the old woman asked. “I just made them.” “No thank you,” Jeffrey said. “We just want our sister.” “Let me see,” she said thoughtfully. “I know she’s here somewhere.” “Is that her on the couch?” Jason asked. He walked over to a covered form on the ragged old sofa and reached for it. But the woman stepped in front of him, blocking his movement. A metallic flash glinted in the darkened room as Jeffrey pulled his knife from his jacket pocket. “Move away,” he cautioned. “We’re leaving with Erin and you can’t... Read more →


Thought for the Day, The Bagpiper

.. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down... Read more →


Home Country: Why Do We Love Chickens?

Slim Randles | CNBNewsnet contributor Chickens have forever had a place in our hearts and on our tables. Why is that? Well … why not? And so I’d like you to come with me back to the summer of 1970, ‘way up north of Fairbanks, Alaska, to what was once the thriving gold mining village of Chicken, Alaska. I was on my way, hitchhiking with a 17-foot canoe, to paddle down a stretch of the Yukon River and to see the cabin where Jack London spent the winter once upon a time. Just as an aside here, hitchhiking with a canoe, or with a sled and 11 dogs, would make a lengthy how-to book all by themselves. It doesn’t sound easy, does it? It isn’t.... Read more →


Home Country: Where Is Duckworth's Papers?

Slim Randles | CNBNews Contributor “I took Duckworth to the dog show up in the city last weekend,” Dud said. The other members of the Mule Barn truck stop’s world dilemma think tank and philosophy counter just looked at him. Doc put it gently. “Dud, was this so he could get some inspiration on looking good?” Duckworth was a medium-sized dog that found Dud while Dud was walking and thinking about the novel he’s writing. No one answered the ad he put in the Valley Weekly Miracle, so he was henceforth known as Duckworth, for some reason Dud seemed to want to keep to himself. To be honest, Duckworth looked like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way... Read more →


Home Country: Billy The Official Town Dog

Slim Randles | CNBNews There really wasn’t anything going on at the school crossing, much to the consternation of Billy … our town dog. It was one of Billy’s duties to escort kids across the street to the school. He’d been doing it ever since Sally, the former town dog, passed away on Doc’s porch. Billy spent each morning curled up next to the dog house the high school woodshop kids built for him. He wasn’t nuts about the inside of it, but there was some instinct deep inside our large brown dog that let him know the house was his and was created in love. But Billy certainly didn’t understand the words “quarantine” or “virus” or “remote online learning.” Martin, the crossing guard, wasn’t... Read more →


LOOKING BACK – – & MOVING AHEAD

By: Joe Ball, CNBNews Contributor Almost 50 years ago I started an advertising and news publicity one person business. My first investment was a used $35 Royal Typewriter. I also signed a lease at $50/month to rent a space – – in a basement – – at 246 S. 22nd St. It came with a desk and chair. This summer, it will have been 56 years ago. Since then, every day has been different. Some days I thought everyone wanted to hire me. Some days I wondered what I was doing wrong, as there was no business. I was reminiscing to myself (I tend to do that just before falling asleep at night) about associates from our various divisions over the years. Because we are... Read more →