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published Tuesday, November 08, 2011

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,  pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.  

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by  check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee  at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details  of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and  liabilities) must be accompanied by documented  proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of  button presses required of me to access my account balance on  your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the  sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.  

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main  menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9.  To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated  answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on  occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

submitted by GFC

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