CNBNews

WHEN EAST MEETS WEST
commentary by Hank Miller, a former resident of Gloucester City who lives in Japan

Gifts For The 'Gaijin' Who Has Everything An Then Some.

Christmas will be upon us in here in Japan in a day, so it's time to
find that perfect gift at the cheepest prices for the gaijin"who has
everything.
Here are a few suggestions:

Kick back and teach English from home over your telephone. For years,
we consumers have wondered what the question is that telephone
answering machines supposedly answer themselves, answering machine
companies have finally brought us the far more practical telephone
questioning machine.
With the new questioning machine,when someone calls the recording asks
the caller,"What is your name?" and "Why are you calling?"
This new questioning machine will be popular with your Japanese friends
or students who are keen to practice their English. Your question
machine can be programmed to follow the latest English textbooks
chapter by chapter,starting with "How old are you?" and "What is your
hobby?"Change the recording every day and change your home phone number
to a toll number to collect charges.

Prepared immigration forms.
Every gaijin can use a pocket of these,sold according to three-year,
five year or 10-year plans,and for lifers with permanent reasident
visas.
All the application forms you'll need for your sponsorship,visa
renewal, permanent residence,etc., are now available in one pocket.
Each pocket includes an extra supply of apology forms, such as the one
promising you will never again overstay your visa by a couple of hours.

Sky walker Airplanes.
Tired of not having enough time or space to walk Fido in the big city?

Don't forget about that empty space above your head.
Try dangling Fido from our super-powered,remote control Skywalker
airplanes.
There are no hydrants in the air,but don't worry about that--there are
plenty ot tall buildings. Warning"Cats and other animals should be
flown only over rice fields!
No more need to study Japanese!For years Japan has sold TVs that are
programmed to change Japanese into English from a remote control.
Now the Japanese have taken this concept a step further"You can point
that same remote control at a Japanese person and have their voice come
out in English.
Fish beheader ! This small battery-powered knife is perfect for the
gaijin who loves fish but is not comfortable eating it the Japanese
way--with the head still on.
No more embarrassing sawing with the edge of a chopstick!
The fish beheader is designed to fit into your breast pocket and looks
just like a pen!
It will quickly and easily sever a  fish head before your Japanese
friends even have a chance to say Ehhhhhhhhhh?"
It also comes with 10 small bags for convenient head disposal.Oh wait.I
see this item is sold out!
Well,the next best thing is the fish head bonnets.
just cover up head and eat!
Aizuchi Translator.
You've probably heard that the Japanese have invented a device that can
analyze a dog's barks or a cat's meows and categorize them into
emotions.
Now,you can get a device that measures "aizuchi," those sometimes
confusing signals Japanese people use when communicating, such as
sucking in air through the teeth or the long,drawn-out soooooooooo Desu
ne,"This type of aizuchi usually results when a gaijin asks an "odd
question such as,"Can
this package be sent overseas at book rate?"
The postal worker will immediately start sucking through his or her
teeth.
Exactly how much doubt is contained in this expression?

The Aizuchi Translator measures the sound level and force of the
sucking of air in each instance and translates the likelihood of the
task at hand succeeding.

The Aizuchi Translator analyzes the responces and puts them into three
categories"1.Probably OK; 2.No way; and 3.Maybe,keep pushing.
for the gaijin who has everything,including all the above, get them the
one thing they definitely don't have but need despertly: A one-Way
ticket, in my case back to Gloucester City,New Jersey!

Warm Regards and A Very Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. From
Kitakyushu City, Japan, Hank,Keiko  The Miller Family !